Pathways

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Many years have been spent feelings as though there was more. Many tears lost wondering what was done and what should have been done to make things right.

But, what really is right?

Right is different for each person. One’s path is one’s own journey.

I was recently irritated by someone that has had everything handed to them, including a career (two careers actually) that I not only wanted, I actively pursued for many years and now hold student debt for. I suppose you can even say there was a jealous moment; not because she was receiving these gifts that I worked so hard for but that she was so ungrateful. It was difficult to send all my love her way.

While this may seem normal and we all have had those moments, that doesn’t mean we should. That feeling simply says that we are not placing our energy where we should.

The path I wanted and worked for wasn’t my path. What I thought I should do wasn’t the reason I came here for. While strengths lay in those fields, my main talent came through while pursuing the others; I simply had to stop fighting for what I thought was right and go with what was right. Stubbornness had to take a backseat.

Previously, I have stated many times how I always felt as though I was at a crossroads; not any more. The main path is laid out, now is the time to walk it.

Have an incredible Wednesday!

 

Bumps

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With multiple thoughts running through my head and my life at any given time, I find it difficult to post about one topic because I want to post about all of them. At the same time, I can’t seem to decide which one to post about so none of them are written about. this blog was created to touch on different aspects of my life in the hopes of not only aiding myself in finding solutions but also so that someone else may come to the understanding that they are not alone in the trials and tribulations that they face.

There’s been a minor bump in the road to graduation this semester. My capstone project was cancelled four weeks before the actual event. Now, I’m working with my professor to find some way to salvage all of the work I’ve done on this. The other option is a new project in which I have submitted a few ideas to him for feedback.

One day at a time, one thing at a time.

That doesn’t mean don’t plan for the future and always be spontaneous.

Be present.

Pay attention to the task at hand.

Stay in alignment

Don’t let others drama overtake you and do what’s best for you and keeping you in your happy place. Don’t be critical of others and their actions, meaning don’t but emotion into it.

Have a great Tuesday!

Power Outage

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I decided to go to the movies last night. All nestled in my chair, snacking on grapes while watching previews when suddenly…no, there wasn’t a noise on the roof. The power went out.

Much to my disappointment, everyone was asked to leave the theater because the back up generators wouldn’t turn on. Oh well, maybe another time.

I stood in line to receive my readmission voucher and I couldn’t believe the crap being said by the patrons in the line.

I admit, it really blows not seeing the movie we paid for but they are giving us tickets with no expiration date. Plus, it was a discount movie night and the readmission tickets are good for any movie at any time. I made out on that deal!

Then people were screaming about not being reimbursed for the junk food they ate. What is wrong with these people? Is the theater suppose to have a magic ball to tell them when there is going to be a multi-car accident out front that knocks out the power?

People, it’s a movie. Yes, it’s a hassle to have a power outage. But seriously, it’s not the end of the world.

Lighten up and laugh at yourself.

Have an awesome Wednesday night!

Heirloom

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This word is used frequently although it appears to be dwindling every day.

The occasion that sparked this thought process was a discussion I had last week with a coworker. He was talking about his brother and his cooking ability and then the discussion turned to grandparents and family recipes. He stated how unhappy he was with his siblings (mostly because they’re the cooks in the family) because they didn’t learn the old world recipes from his grandmother before she passed. Family recipes lost forever.

After thinking about what he said I began to think about what it took for me to retrieve such recipes from both sides of my son’s families. I would literally stand there with a notepad and pen and jot down ingredients and measurements as the dish was being made. Despite all of the grief I received for ‘invading their kitchen’; I’m glad I did.

My intention was to purchase a blank cookbook and write down the recipes for my son as a Christmas present but then I realized that there may be other recipes he wanted . On Christmas Eve, I asked him if he would be interested in receiving such a book; I figured I would do it anyway and hold on to it for future generations should there be grandchildren in my future. To my surprise, he became excited about it and his girlfriend brightened up at the prospect as well.

I had already written down a list of recipes to put in the book; as of that night, several more were requested. I had only thought about the recipes I confiscated from parents; at no time did I think about my recipes.

The blank cookbook is on the way and will be filled with the deliciousness of the families to be passed on. I have seriously considered creating a book more suited to our needs and titling it ‘Heirloom Recipes’.

Think about the recipes in your family; you may be surprised at those that would love to have them!

Dilemma

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I hope everyone had a fun and safe Halloween!

I’ve had a serious issue that continues to build within myself. Lack of motivation has been a serious nuisance. I keep blaming my girls for their relentless need to snuggle me, lay on my research or on my lap, the constant need to be scratched and the center of attention. Even though all of this is very true, it’s not the whole story.

This was my first full weekend off; it will probably be my last until January/February. Up to this point, all of my class assignments were completed with the exception of two research papers and the emergency exercise I am writing.

I can’t tell whether it is my lack of inspiration and intrigue in the subject matter or if I am simply burned out from school work that prevents me from accomplishing these tasks. The exercise isn’t as difficult to continue to work on because I have timelines to meet and coordination with other students that are pushing that assignment along. The two papers however, are a different story.

My research has been sitting here; the outlines are sitting here. Yesterday I began filling in the outline and I found every possible excuse to walk away from it; after all it WAS Halloween.

If I don’t accomplish these two papers, My grade in those two classes will be a ‘B’; to me that is unacceptable when it is due to laziness.

The thought then turns to having one semester left until graduation and can I really keep this up for two years after that to complete my Ph.D.? Will I be able to pick up the momentum again if I take time off after graduation?

It has been suggested that I simplify my life by resigning from one of my jobs; that I am simply too tired to stay motivated. While I am inclined to believe that thought process, I find it difficult to change the complexity that has become my way of life.

My gut tells me to walk away and go hiking, my heart says turn to another subject to study, and at the same time, my head says be the responsible person you are and write the damn papers already!

Have an awesome Sunday!

Reviews

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I am a BIG fan of going to the movies. There is just something about watching a movie in the theater that I find enhances the experience.

While trying to decide what to see this week, the reviews that stood out the most to me were the ones for Pixels with Adam Sadler. Every one that I found was clearly stated how horrible the movie was and that it was Sadler’s worst one yet. While I’m not his biggest fan, I do like some of his movies I seen; of course my favorite by him being Eight Crazy Nights (does that even count…after all it is a holiday cartoon).

I chose to see Pixels; Why?

It was a movie about 2-D games in a 3-D world. The degrading reviews pushed me to go for the same reason I think Oscar is of Stallone’s best movies. I go for a good show, not for technical excellence.

Back to the subject: Pixels. I laughed for close to 90% of this movie. I am a gamer; I was a gamer in the 80’s and completely ‘get’ the jokes and slams that were in the movie. While part of it could be the recollection of the past good times; my son also laughed for the majority of the movie so it was not just me. The movie provided me with a genuine good time and that’s what the movies are about, personal enjoyment.

Moral of the post; don’t believe everything you read.

Have an awesome Thursday night!

Transformation

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We wake up each day to start over. A new day, a new way. Changes continue at an ever increasing rate with no hope of understanding them before the next. Creative flow is disrupted, the words simply can’t grow.

Shifting alone is rough. The tendrils of drama hold on even tighter as you pull away. Letting go is the worst, the heart doesn’t understand while the mind is running frantically to catch up to the soul.

Thoughts deviate, perspective changes, diet shifts, wants evolve, desire defines, and cravings run away. Dissension occurs from the outside. Actions of others seem to be as though you are watching a film. Emotions are confused.

You ask yourself “shouldn’t I be upset by that?” or “Why am I not crying?”. All of which simply adds to the confusion.

Time slows and peace is necessary.

Crazy I am not. Evolving I am.

Zombies

Yesterday I saw a picture of the true zombie apocalypse, young children being mummified by staring thoughtlessly at television. I chuckled at this notion and went on with my day. What better way to celebrate the 4th of July than watching dinosaurs eat people? So off to the movies I went.

After the usual dimming of the lights, the many advertisements that really need to be updated, the turn off your cell phone bits and then the 20 minutes of previews; entered the last comers. These late comers were teenage girls and decided to sit near me.

Obviously, they had not seen the whole shebang on how to turn off the cell phone that was played and decided that during the move is when it was time to be texting and on social media. After disturbing and creating a very unhappy manager (sorry employees) the late combers were babysat for the remainder of the movie. As soon as the credits started to roll, the cell phones were out again.

As I walked past these three girls, they were glued again to the screen of their little phones, no conversation emanating from their mouths, and their eyes unblinking in a true zombie like fashion. I simply shook my head, not that they noticed.

Upon exiting the theater, in front of me were a multitude of people of all ages doing the exact same thing, standing around staring absently at their phones. No one moving, no one talking, not even the smell of burning brain cells trying to function.

Conversation skills are becoming increasingly difficult to find, handwriting skills are no longer taught in the school system, and thinking is something reserved for…well, I’m not quite sure anymore.

I find it truly disturbing that this is acceptable.

By the way, there is therapy for that.

Have a great Sunday!

Thoughts on Life

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I’ve stated many times that I regularly feel as though my path is continually altering or at a crossroads; personal evolution so to speak. I’ve continually racked my brain to figure things out and to understand not just my role in this life but to understand my place, not in society by their standards but in the grand scheme of things.

I was raised that women were barefoot and pregnant. A woman’s role was to support her husband and take care of the home and children. As I continued to grow up, those views changed in society. Women were now expected to also work full time on top of the previous role. I wholeheartedly believed in death do us part when I married.

At that time, I believed there was something more but I could never put my finger on it; it wasn’t for me anyway, I was nobody. The constant fighting as I felt as though I was drowning everyday, the exhaustion of giving and giving to my partner and family. The constant feeling as though I was never enough, the ridicule I received for being a disappointment.

The ugly beast known as anger rose to an ultimate high and turned me into something I no longer recognized; something my adult son was ashamed of. Through the process of seeking help, I began to understand the world around me. Once I released and forgave those around me I began to open my eyes and see that my reaction was simply a product of close-mindedness and a stuff society.

None of this was an overnight revelation; in fact, the epiphanies occurred over many years; little by little and piece by piece. I became envious of those who knew at a young age what their passions were, what their callings were and still had their lifetime to pursue them; here I am middle aged, divorced, single mother, and I still didn’t have a clue.

The day I began to feel gratitude to have made it to middle age, to have a wonderful son and to see him fall in love and move on with his life; these are privileges denied to many.

The self help section in the bookstore was no longer an embarrassment; everyone should strive for self improvement. I became a fan of Anthony Robbins, if you have never heard his talks I highly encourage you to do so. Recently, I actually listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer’s video he had put together for the Hay House World Summit entitled “The Shift”. It provided an enlightening experience that made me sort through and recognize those stages in my own life.

The thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the last several years are not solely mine but in fact an ever evolving state of mind. Mine was clouded by many things: a hard life, emotional blockages, etc…, perhaps that is why it took me so longer to reach this point. Now I feel as thought I have wasted so much of my life waiting and wanting. Now I know, I will never get to the end because the end is death from this world; it’s the journey we are to experience. We are suppose to change, we are suppose to continually experience new things, we are suppose to help one another, we are suppose to show compassion, we are suppose to love, we are suppose to show respect not only for each other but for everything around us.

I sincerely hope that others reach the same point have I have and I am grateful for those that have reached it before me to help guide me. I may not know exactly what my ‘calling’ is but I now know what it is not.

Have a wonderful Sunday and Happy Mother’s Day!

Finding the Way

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We muddle through life in a mundane way searching for the unknown. What exactly am I suppose to do? When you come from a family of lower middle class worker bees, the answer is work some boring job and not enough pay to survive.

Being the one in the family to break that stereotype; going to college, getting that degree, and creating that personal debt to realize that ignorance was bliss and you are still working that same boring job four years later for even less pay then you did four years ago.

I key to break that tradition is to know what your suppose to do with your life. I know I need to live it, I know I need to work for it; but unless there is a goal at the end of the road, it will not happen.

Seven years ago, I began on a journey to save the world. Corny right?

In the years it has taken to educate myself to save the environment so we could continue to live in it, myself and the world has taken even more twists and turns.

There are days I miss the ignorance of being a worker bee. Getting married, having 2.3 children and a dog and living in a house with a white picket fence.

Reality becomes overwhelming and sometimes I want to stick my head in the sand and make it go away. But that is part of the problem. The solution is to fix the cause not the symptoms. How do you fix something that most people don’t realize is broken?

That one I’m still working on. And when you finally realize what you are suppose to do with this life, how do you make it happen when you still have to survive on the boring and mundane job?

I wouldn’t trade my education for anything, nor the trials I’ve endured. I may even spend the next 60 years trying to figure things out. Every day has been full of lessons and will continue to be.

Have an awesome Sunday!